Dr Shelley - Sexologist
Q is for Quality - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex
Q is for Quality - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

Q is for Quality - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

Q is for Quality…

Quality time, quality experiences, quality connections…

Have you heard of the book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman? A highly recommended read. Basically the five love languages are gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch and quality time.

It is important to discover what your own love language is, and that of your lover(s). Do you love to receive gifts? Is it more important for you to be told you are doing a great job? Do you like it when your loved one does things for you, like take the trash out, fix up the house, or do the dishes? Or do you simply love to touch and be touched?

One of the five love languages is quality time. Do you love to spend quality time with your loved one(s)? Do you schedule quality time with your loved one(s)? In our busy lives it is important to make time for one another. Especially if you are a busy parent, or business person.

Scheduling time for each other is one of the keys to a successful, satisfying relationship. Scheduling quality time to be with each other can include planning a trip somewhere together, a romantic dinner for two, time to make love when the kids aren’t around, time to just “be” together, watch a movie, snuggle…

Developing quality connections with others in the open lifestyle can also enhance your swinging experience. Over the years my partner and I have developed some beautiful deep and meaningful connections with others. This helps deepen the love making/sharing and takes it beyond just sex to a far more rewarding connection.

Quality experiences are those that you remember, that go down as special times in your life. Being sexually active is great for the health - see my book Anti-Aging & Health Benefits of Sex. In my basic research project I did a survey of people in the lifestyle and there was an overwhelming response that supports the benefits of open relationships and not only the physical benefits, but also the emotional, mental and spiritual benefits of connecting with others.

If you have an experience in the lifestyle that doesn’t really fulfill you, then keep the adventure going and the exploration. When you find connections and experiences that are exciting, stimulating and enjoyable remember those and search out more, or continue to stay in touch with those people that you really clicked with.

The swing community is very vast, and there are an amazing group of open minded, adventurous souls out there who love to connect with others.

Personally when I meet new friends, I loved to get naked and explore the other persons body and see how we fit. It’s like my hand shake. I’d much rather get naked and make love than sit around and talk politics or the weather. You learn a lot about someone when you get naked and start exploring each other. If only all friendships and meetings started like that!!

For me, I make an effort to create quality time for those in my close circle of lovers. It can take some juggling schedule wise but it is so worth it. My partner loves to ride motorbikes so I plan trips away for us where we can ride. My “sister wife” loves to spend quality time with our man too, so I make sure to schedule quality time for them. And also for us together. We like to have morning walks together and catch up. My “girlfriend” time is super important for me too. I have a close core group of amazing women in my life and to spend quality time with them feeds my soul too.

So think about the special people in your life and what their love language is. There may be one love language that is super important for them. Discover what it is. It can make their day and enhance your relationship to give them what they really want. Flowers, messages of love, a massage, washing their car, or taking them out for dinner or a show. Why not look at what you can do for your loved on on all levels?

Quality time with your loved one(s) is important. Look at your relationships and plan some special time with those that you love. Plan a vacation - there are some amazing swinger cruises, resorts and parties around. Or plan a special meal at home, or out. Schedule some romantic loving time or spontaneously give them some flowers, or a gift you know they will appreciate.

The greatest gift is love. And love comes in all different forms. Have fun discovering how you can package your love and gift it to those you love. The more we give the more we receive. Start planning on how you can share your love.

Next is R for Respect…

Dr Shelley - Sexologist
P is for Passion - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex
P is for Passion - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

P is for Passion - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

P is for Passion

What blows your skirt up? What really gets your engine revving? What is it in your life that you feel totally passionate about? Discover your passion and infuse it into your life. Live a passionate life. One of my passions is riding a motorbike fast and trying to keep up with my partner on his bike. It is so Zen. Nothing else to focus on except every moment you have to be 100% focused on what you are doing on the bike…

What is your passion sexually? What really turns you on? Maybe it is still waiting to be discovered? Follow your heart, follow your passion and be the sexual adventurers that you are!

P could also be for Pee! Yes, pee!!!! For some people being peed on is their passion! Even photos of people peeing can turn some people on! Ever tried it? It’s actually a really cool (or rather warm) feeling of having hot pee running down your butt crack. Or peeing on someone… it’s fun, because it is so tabu! Usually I like to do it in the shower or a bathtub. Even peeing on someone outside can be very erotic. That way you know you aren’t going to make a mess! Or can easily hose it down… Some people even like to drink pee! Believe it or not there is a school of thought that if you drink your lover’s pee then you become naturally immune to any type of dis-ease or sexually transmitted infection they may have.

P could also be for PhD, which is what I have. A PhD in Philosophy, specializing in Human Sexuality.

Or P could be for Penis! With a PhD in Sexology and many, many years in the swing scene and working in the sex field, I have a LOT of experience in Penis Play!!!

I remember one time a famous porn star came round to one of our parties. His cock was ginormous! I asked him, what was the most important thing for him when getting a blow job. What made him hard? He said, if the girl makes out that she really LOVES his cock then that is a big turn on. He said, imagine it is a super yummy dicksickle! Love it, slurp it, lick it, smell it, devour it. And make appreciative noises! Like I mentioned in C for Cunnilingus. Give positive feedback when you are going down on someone. And vice versa. If you are receiving, give appreciative oral feedback to the one giving to you.

And vary it up! Keep trying different techniques until you find one that works. Some guys like their penis grabbed hard at the base, others don’t like any hands at all. Some like it soft and gentle, some like it hard and rough. Some like their balls played with at the same time, some don’t. And believe it or not, most guys like their ass played with while receiving oral. 

Some like a steady rhythm while others like variety. Still some like just the head to be teased and played with while others like deep throat. As varied as women are in how they like their oral pleasuring, so are guys. Penis play is fun!

Some guys like lots of lube, others hate any lube at all! Some like a hand job, others can’t come orally or with a hand job. Still others can only orgasm if they stroke themselves off. That’s how they come and they can’t come any other way!

Some cocks are circumcised and some aren’t. I know some girls who don’t like playing with uncircumcised cocks because they feel they are “dirty” so make sure you wash well before any playtime if you are uncircumcised and perhaps play with yourself a bit beforehand to bring that head out of it’s protective covering so that it’s easier for the girl, especially if she is not used to uncircumcised.

Personally I find the head of an uncircumcised cock much softer and more sensitive than uncircumcised ones.

Some penises are straight, some bend to the left, some to the right, some bend upwards and some downwards! So each one will feel different inside too.

Have fun exploring how different penises can pleasure you. What works with one may not work with another.

I see it as a challenge! A challenge that sometimes I have success with and at other times not! 

They have a mind of their own, as they say. Sometimes whatever you try doesn’t work because the person is in a different head space and it is basically impossible to get them out of their big head and into their little head.

Don’t give yourself a hard time if you can’t get your partner/date to orgasm. Some guys only orgasm if they are inside. Others only from oral, or a hand job. And others need to get themselves off.

Some guys love the swing scene and multiple lovers at the same time, others get overwhelmed when there is more than one person and can’t focus. The swing scene isn’t necessarily for everyone! If it really isn’t for you then try some other things like using toys, doing different role-plays, exploring fetishes, making love in different places… whatever it takes to keep love alive, the experience fun, and sex satisfying.

P could also be for Porn… Pleasuring, Playfulness, Penetration, Prostate Play, Purpose and so many other things… But definitely focus on putting Passion back into your life and creating a more Passion!

Next is Q for Quality…

Dr Shelley - Sexologist
O is for Orgasm - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex
O is for Orgasm - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

O is for Orgasm - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

O is for Orgasm

I remember when I was invited to the premier of the Vagina Monologues in New York, starring Vanessa Williams and Mayor Giuliani’s wife, Donna Hanover. I was interviewed by Channel 11 news afterwards. They wanted to know how the Mayor’s wife did. I knew exactly what they wanted so gave them a nice sound bite they used on the news that evening… “She did a great rendition of all the… (pregnant pause)… noises make when women make love.” And she did! I didn’t use the word orgasm as I knew it was going on public TV, but Donna Hanover did a fantastic job of giving examples of all the different type of orgasms women can have. From the clitoral, to the full blown g-spot, gushing type of orgasm.

And it is true! There are many different types of orgasms. Some women orgasm from stimulating the clitoris. Others from deep penetration. I, myself, am multi-orgasmic and notice the sounds I make from oral stimulation to full on sex differs. And even different sexual positions create different sounds when I orgasm.

Orgasms are usually portrayed as the mind-blowing, earth-shattering type. But in fact there are many different types of orgasms. I have worked with many women helping them discover their orgasms. And also helping them realize that there are many types of orgasms. Maybe they don’t have the earth shattering type of orgasm, but they can still have other types of orgasms, such as nipple orgasms, or clitoral orgasms. Each woman is different.

As I mentioned in I for Introspection, it is important to discover what turns you on. To explore your own body so you know what works for you. To experiment with lovers to help you find your ecstasy! And to realize there are many different types of ecstatic orgasmic experiences.

One thing I would love to share with you guys… is the importance of orgasming totally and completely. To allow yourself to give your all when you orgasm. To orgasm like a Lion! To roar, to thrust and to imagine your orgasm is not just in to the woman’s vagina but that it goes through her whole body!

Orgasmic pleasure is not just in the genitals. It can be through every cell in your body.

Sometimes I get headaches if my sexual energy gets stuck! It requires a powerful male orgasm inside me to sometimes push that stuck energy through and out the top of my head.

In the research I did for my PhD, there were several studies that showed orgasms to be good for headaches. It has certainly helped me over the years!

So when you orgasm guys, do it with your heart and soul, and imagine coming so intensely that your lover will feel it in every cell of her being! Roar your orgasm. Express it with every cell of your beingness. Give it your all!

You are a powerful lover. Release that energy! Allow your sexual energy to be transmitted through your cock, into your lover, through them and on out into the universe! And when you both orgasm at the same time, then that generates an even more powerful energy that can be used to heal and energize, and also expand on out into the universe for planetary healing… More on that in U for Universe!

As I mentioned in G for G-spot, it is very important for guys to have actual orgasms, where they ejaculate. I know there is the tantric, taoist perspective of holding on to the orgasm, and redirecting it through the body for regeneration and self healing, which is great, but in my opinion it is also VERY important to allow the body to actually orgasm eventually. If you don’t then you may suffer prostate problems later on. If you continually tell your prostate not to do what it is meant to do, which is ejaculate, then eventually it will stop working as it perceives it has no function any longer.

There are several studies in the summary of my PhD, outlined in my book Anti-Aging and Health Benefits of Sex, that support this and show that the more sex and ejaculations you have then healthier your prostate will be.

So prolong as long as you can but do allow yourself to come eventually! It’s good for us girls to feel that energy and also for your health and the health of your prostate!

Next is P for P…

Dr Shelley - Sexologist
N is for Naughtiness - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex
N is for Naughtiness - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

N is for Naughtiness - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

N is for Naughtiness

How naughty are you? How naughty can you be? What naughty things have you been up to?

I was living in Marina del Rey in Los Angeles a few years ago, in a really nice apartment near the beach. I had a girlfriend living with me at the time who was bi, and very fun. The clothes dryer door wouldn’t shut so I had to call up the shop I originally bought it from and get an appliance repair person to come round. He arrived early in the morning and I only had a skimpy robe on. I flirted with him the whole time, letting my robe open slightly so he could see I was naked underneath. He said I had been too hard on the nipple on the door of the dryer and that I had banged it too hard! Well of course with that type of language how could I resist! I called out to my girlfriend who was upstairs and told her to come down. I said to her incredulously that the repair man said I had been too hard on the nipple. I pulled down her top and sucked on her nipple and asked her if I was too hard… I could tell he was super turned on. I told him to take his cock out and stroke it while I proceeded to show him how I banged my girlfriend. I pushed her down on the floor and he exploded like crazy! Luckily I had a towel handy! Needless to say he gave us a really good deal on the repair job!!!

Recently my ice maker in my fridge stopped working. My girlfriend down the road had an appliance guy visiting her to check her oven so she suggested she bring him down to check on my ice maker. He simply pressed a button and got it cycling and working so said he wouldn’t charge me. So in order to show my appreciation I offered him a blow job!

Sounds like that could be a great job! Appliance repair! I wonder how many naughty housewives are out there? And how many actually follow through on that fantasy? It certainly got my engine running and the repair man was very happy when he left!!!!!!

Next time that opportunity arises take it!!!!! Push your boundaries and make someone’s day!!!!! Be naughty! The person may decline the offer but still you have made their day by suggesting it! And that will probably fuel their sexual energy for their work or for when they get home that day and see their partners!!!!!!

One time in Chicago I was contacted by a guy who had just become a doctor who wanted to live out a fantasy before he started work so that it wouldn’t plague him when he was in practice. He had always wanted for a nurse to join him in seducing a young female patient. Very tabu!!! So I organized for one of the girls that I know who works in the sex field to be the young female “school girl” who pretended to have a sore belly. I was the nurse at the school and I had to take her to the doctor to get checked… He was such a naughty doctor he used his cock down the back of her throat to check her tonsils, and then his fingers to explore inside of her to see if there could be anything inside that could be causing her discomfort…. I loved it! So kinky! And such a safe way to enact out a very naughty fantasy and not get anyone into trouble!!!!

One time I had a request for a “job interview” roleplay where I really wanted the job and would do anything to get it! And I mean anything! This guy was a top business man who always had hot girls interviewing for jobs. He was too scared to do anything with the suggestions some of the people interviewing made but wanted to live out the fantasy in a safe setting. Better than getting a sexual harassment law suit filed against him!

The maid is also a popular fantasy! Perhaps Arnold Schwartzenegger should have employed the services of a sexologist or someone specializing in role plays to enact out his fantasy with the maid!

Another popular fantasy/role play is the sexy housewife doing the dishes in heels and lingerie waiting for her man to come home… or bending down to get something out of the oven while her partner watches her from the dining room table, teasing him with a view of her lingerie or lack of it!

Back in my Hollywood days I had a Harvey Weinstein moment. I was chatted up at a hotel pool by a short little jewish looking guy who claimed to be a movie producer. I was in a hot little bikini and he came up to me and said, “You would be perfect for a role I am casting… why don’t you come up to my room and have a look at the script.” I couldn’t believe my ears…. seriously! I’d heard about the casting couch but here was this totally creepy guy making that type of offer? I couldn’t resist. I told my girlfriend I was heading up to one of the rooms for a bit and that I would be back soon! I was back pretty quickly. I went up the room, he opened the door with a towel around his waist. As the door closed the towel dropped and I gulped!!!! “I was hoping for a bigger part than that!” I said, and turned around and walked out!!!!

One time in New York I met up with a Wall Street banker at his hotel. A very nice old school classic NY hotel. He wanted to meet up in the privacy of his room. I understood why when we got there… he proceeded to take off his pin striped shirt and impeccably ironed shirt to reveal that he had been wearing full women’s lingerei under his suit all day… that was his fetish…

And another time a very good looking Asian man contacted me. He had long hair, rode a motorbike… very sexy guy. He also wanted to meet in the privacy of his hotel room and stripped down to show me his fantasy which was wearing nylons and a garter belt, and heels.

I was invited to do a workshop at a rope bondage week down in Hedonism in Jamaica a while back. My workshop turned out to be a great Segway between the bondage community and the swinger scene of Hedo. The rope community is all about the importance of discussing boundaries and getting consent. Whereas in the swinger community and often at resorts such as Hedo, there are a lot of very friendly people who do not necessarily abide by the basic rules of ask before you touch. Many times there is a gap between wanted and unwanted attention. Especially with a lot of the old school swingers who have been going to Hedo for years and live a very open lifestyle. It’s almost like there are different cultures within the sex scene. Old school swingers, people into tantra, rope bondage people, 50 Shade of Grey types, full on BDSM peeps…. Each has their own language, customs and cultures. It is important to be aware that everyone speaks a different language and to not necessarily be offended by that language but just realize it is different. How to learn a response that is strong but not rude, accepting yet self-empowering.

Allow yourself to be that naughty little boy, or girl, and go out and create some amazing memories for yourself, and others. Encourage each other to be naughty. To do naughty things sexually! Be naughty!!!

Next is O for Orgasm…

Dr Shelley - Sexologist
M is for Music - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

M is for Music - Dr Shelley's A-Z of Sex

M is for Music

I remember at the Erotica Show in New Zealand where I was presenting, I wanted to demonstrate how music can affect the way we make love. I went around the audience and asked people what music they liked to make love to. I got responses from various attendees including an older gent. The young one liked ACDC, the sexy Maori guy liked Silk “Let me Lick you up and Down” and the older guy said he liked the Righteous Brothers. So I got the DJ to pull out the three songs and proceeded to demonstrate with the volunteers how each type of music changed the way you can make love. The ACDC was full on, power, porn sex. The slower Silk song inspired sexy, sensuous, slower more erotic moves and the Righteous Brothers encouraged a slow, close, sexy dance…

Believe it or not, the old guy got a raging woody on, just dancing close and slow. He sat down in the audience after we finished our dance, next to some young girls who couldn’t stop giggling as it was very evident that he was aroused!!!!

Music is powerful. Choose your music wisely. Understand how different types of music can change our mood, inspire us to move differently, contain different messages…

I love having music to make love to and change it up depending on my mood. Sometimes I like the hard core, porn-style, rock n’ roll music for really active sex. At other times I like sexy Marvin Gay type R n’ B, soul music to slow things down and really feel the moment. Other times I like romantic heartfelt songs with mushy words of love to bring me into my heart so I can connect on a deeper level with my loved one. At other times I just like quiet classical music or new age music to bliss out to and surf the universe with after orgasming.

Play around with how different music can affect your love making.

Create some playlists of different music to make love to.

One of my workshops I do on lifestyle cruises, at resorts and conferences is “Music to Make Love to” where I guide people through their sexual energy centers with different music that inspires different sexual connections. Sometimes I start with grounding African drum style music to get us connected into our bodies and to earth the sexual energy. Then bring it up to the sexual reproductive center and play salsa, reggae, old school rock n’ roll music to get the hips moving. Then bring the energy up with full on dance music to really get the fire going. Then shift the energy to the heart with slower more romantic music. Then some music to get the throat chakra/energy center activated. Then some more quiet yet powerful music to tune in to the third eye and crown chakras/energy centers, culminating in a blissful sexually satisfied orgasmic state of being, and merging with all there is. All with a guided musical sexual journey.

Have fun playing with music. As they say, “Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire.” There’s a reason why people go out dancing to find someone to take home to bed! If you click on the dance floor then you are more than likely to click in bed!

Next is N for Naughtiness…

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